I was driving home from the Ds Mom's Night last Sunday and it was just me in the car. No Stephen. No Rachel. Just me. It's very rare when that happens now. I'm a pretty independent person. I relish my alone time. I need it in order to survive. Put me in a room with a bunch of people and I'll do quite well for a while but then The Wall hits me and I need to retreat. Ahhhh, do you hear that? It's quiet. The TV isn't on. Rachel is asleep. Stephen is out in the garage. Again, it's just me. Ahhhhhhh. On my drive home the other night, I was able to turn up my music, open the windows and sun roof and just drive. Drive, drive, drive! I felt like myself again. My old self.
That person never stayed in one place too long and was able to get up and do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. I miss that person a lot sometimes. That "me" was a fun girl. Being a mom is tiring. I love it, but every once in a while The Wall hits me and I just feel that need to escape, to just leave for a bit and relax by myself, with my own thoughts, without worrying and always thinking one step ahead...."Ok, Rachel ate at 1 so that means she'll eat again at 4 and she needs a nap at 3 so I should leave here at 1:30 in order to get back in time for her nap. I also need to start the laundry and wash her bottles." BLAH! I don't know a lot of women who would come out and type this but I know a lot of women who know exactly what I am saying. Life just kind of comes along and crushes who you used to be in to a new mold...all the old pieces are still there but they have been turned in to something different. I know that I don't want my old life back, my life right now couldn't be better and it's all that I've ever asked for, but some nights when I'm driving alone in my car I get that feeling again, the feeling that I could take on the world. And maybe that's all I'm really missing...the naivety.
Girl do I HEAR YOU!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI think alot of times "mommies" think things but are afraid to vocalize them... who wants to hear that you "miss" your old self. I felt SO guilty for a long time because I felt like I "lost" myself and here we had tried for so many years to get pregnant.
I really want to write a book "The things people don't say about having a baby" or something like that. And I am going to put this kind of stuff in it... along with the fact I sat around crying for days after I got home from the hospital with 2 infants and cried for no reason- NOONE told me that that could happen. Then when my sister called I told her I was crying and that I sucked as a mom and THEN she told me she did the same thing. And the more I said it to others, the more I heard it happens. BUT NOONE told me ahead of time.
I am not often in the car alone either- sometimes I don't even listen to the radio cause I just want "quiet"!
I use to be "fun" too.
I know the feeling well punky.
ReplyDeleteI think we all think that same way!! Glad you posted this!! I had that same weekend this weekend with all the girls.
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