February 7, 2010
Reading a Book
As baby shower gifts, I received a couple of baby books. I stacked them on the shelf in Rachel's room before she was born. I thought about how I would snuggle up with her on the glider at night and read to her. Then life happens in a way you never thought it would and you end up scared in a hospital. After a few weeks, I brought some of those books to the hospital to read to Rachel. I figured that it would help her recognize me and give me something to do in the hours that I was there. I tried and failed many times to read I'll See You in the Morning without breaking in to tears. The book talks about the mommy (or daddy) tucking their child in to bed and how the night isn't scary and how they will be there for them and see them in the morning. Every time I would read those words, my mind would start thinking about how I wouldn't be there at night if she cried for me and I wouldn't be there in the morning when she opened her eyes. Reading the book made me feel like such a horrible mother and I eventually stopped.
A mother of a friend of mine has sent Rachel a book every holiday so far. Rachel has received one for Christmas, Halloween and now Valentine's Day. The book Rachel received for Valentine's Day is called Mama, How Long Will You Love Me? I read it to Rachel the day I got it in the mail and, again, tears streamed from my eyes. (With a title like that, I knew I was in for it.) But this time, it was because I was thankful to be able to read that book to her in our home. I was thankful to be looking at my healthy, beautiful baby without the hospital tubes and wires and beeping noises. I am so thankful that I will be able to read to her for many years to come. I can only hope that these tears stop falling in those coming years or Rachel will start looking at me funny. :)