Sometimes, at night, when I'm laying in bed, these horrible visions go through my mind. I find myself picturing every possible thing that could go wrong with Rachel. I could fall going down the stairs while carrying her and she would tumble down them. I wake up and go to her crib and she has died during the night. She chokes on her formula and I can't get her to breath again. I am so afraid sometimes that after all that we've been through, there is something more terrible that could happen and probably because of all that has happened, I sometimes expect it will. I wonder if maybe these things pop in my head as a way to prepare myself. How would I handle it? How would I wake up each day without her cooing at me and ready to be held? Right now tears come to my eyes thinking about that possibility. During the day, in the sunlight, those images are far from my mind, thankfully.
I do know a couple of people who have lost their babies at or during birth. I think of them each day as I look at Rachel and my heart breaks for them. Yet, they are stronger than I am. I would not be able to get up each day the way they do and face the world. I do not think I would want to have another baby and here they are doing just that. To me, that is the bravest thing anyone can do. To have a life, to lose that life but to want to try again takes a strength that most people simple do not have. I am happy to know them and I am proud to call them my friends.