January 8, 2010

Scared to Death

Sometimes, at night, when I'm laying in bed, these horrible visions go through my mind. I find myself picturing every possible thing that could go wrong with Rachel. I could fall going down the stairs while carrying her and she would tumble down them. I wake up and go to her crib and she has died during the night. She chokes on her formula and I can't get her to breath again. I am so afraid sometimes that after all that we've been through, there is something more terrible that could happen and probably because of all that has happened, I sometimes expect it will. I wonder if maybe these things pop in my head as a way to prepare myself. How would I handle it? How would I wake up each day without her cooing at me and ready to be held? Right now tears come to my eyes thinking about that possibility. During the day, in the sunlight, those images are far from my mind, thankfully.

I do know a couple of people who have lost their babies at or during birth. I think of them each day as I look at Rachel and my heart breaks for them. Yet, they are stronger than I am. I would not be able to get up each day the way they do and face the world. I do not think I would want to have another baby and here they are doing just that. To me, that is the bravest thing anyone can do. To have a life, to lose that life but to want to try again takes a strength that most people simple do not have. I am happy to know them and I am proud to call them my friends.


  1. Wow Mags...that's a really deep one!!
    Don't think you're alone worrying about that stuff though...I still worry to this day and walk in like 10 times a night to both boys to make sure they're breathing and ok...and I follow them around like a crazy person so they don't get hurt.
    I couldn't imagine living w/out my babies and I thank God everyday for them!! Just enjoy every moment that you can...it's so scary how quickly people can be taken from you...love the people you love w/all you have and no matter what happens, they'll know how you felt!!
    And try not to worry (way easier said than done I know):) And now that I say that, I'm going to go and call daycare to make sure the boys are doing ok :)
    Love ya-

  2. I think all those fears are normal.

    I am surprised you didn't say you left her beside the car and drove off after getting the groceries.. I have dreamed that I have done that!

    The waking up and going in there and finding them dead, I think is a part of being a "good" mom! Bad mommies don't worry about that stuff!

  3. Maggie, those fears are very normal and also very common in new parents...
    I used to be petrified of going to sleep when Olivia was little.. I always thought she'd wake up dead or something...
    You just need to have faith and trust that God chose you for a reason and He would NOT take your little angel away from you!

  4. I have some of those same thoughts. If she sleeps more than 3 hours, I'll go upstairs and check to see that she's still breathing, even though I know she's alright. But....I love you, and will be here for you no matter what.


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