November 23, 2010
I am constantly amazed at life. At how life unfolds in ways you never imagined. All around me I see stories being told. Lives being changed. Like a fish you can be swimming along happily in calm waters and all of a sudden a storm moves in and changes your path. You may dive deeper in to the water, in to darkness and places you've never been before. It can be scary. Life is scary at times. Sometimes your heart feels crushed. A hand is squeezing your chest and you struggle to breath. All you wish for is that chance to gasp for air and you feel like it's never going to come. And then suddenly, or gradually, it happens. You are back at the surface. You can see the light above and you are getting closer to it. The rock that was sitting in your stomach is gone. The tears once pooling are no longer threatening to fall. I find myself day dreaming as I drive to and from my friends homes, to and from the grocery store. I put myself back to the days in the hospital before Rachel was born. I put myself back into those feelings. I felt so lost and hopeless. So afraid. I have found that in order to move forward, I need to look back. I need to re-live the terror, find my way through again and move forward. But it's not just my story I relive. I think of my friends and the hardships they have been through. I may not have met many of them in person, but that connection is still there. I still worry, I still grieve, I place myself in their shoes and I cry. I wonder why they have been chosen to live through the most difficult things that life can throw at you. And I wish that there was a way that I could take away their pain. But we all need to work through it. We all need to feel it. Take it in, let it take over and surrender to it. Someday, you'll swim to the surface again. Someday your heart will be lighter. Someday you will smile again...and mean it.